Saturday, March 1, 2014

Owner of a lonely heart...

My life is very lonely.

I did not mean for it to be this way, and I do not like it (throwing that in there for anyone who thought I was a lone wolf-type).

For eight hours a day, five days a week, I work where people don't really know anything about me other than I am the Librarian. It is a cramped and busy environment, and people are more interested in if I can refill the paper in the printer or get their laminating completed in a timely manner than what makes me who I am. Working in a school also means that everyone will usually address each other by last name. This being the case, the magical first name that has helped define me for so many years doesn't really exist, and even with a very short and easy last name, people still can't manage to get that right. Some might chalk this up to being busy and having a lot going on, but I lump it in with just not caring. Whatever the case, my job represents the bulk of my interactions with people in any given week.

When the impersonal work day ends, it's a short commute home to my frugally cozy basement apartment. No significant other or roommates living here; just me. The apartment is in the home of a lovely couple and their elderly Golden Retriever, so the closest thing I get to human contact while I am at home is listening to them walking, talking, laughing, and barking upstairs. Friends and family are more than welcome to come over and visit (I have so many premium cable channels and a hot tub that isn't working right now!), but they don't very often. Much like the work situation, it is possible to chalk this up to being busy and having a lot going on. Much like the work situation, I lump it in with just not caring.

Weekends are daunting when there aren't any plans to look forward to. I try to find activities that I would like to do; activities that would allow me to meet people. There has to be stuff out there, right? I live in a fairly large city. Surely there are things that don't require forking out too much money, being religious, or playing sports?

Dating... ugh. Online sites don't seem to offer much. Friends don't have other single friends. People I meet on my own aren't interested/ready/available. My last relationship was one where, while there were issues to work on (that's how it goes, right?), I felt very loved and included in something larger than myself. I like to think that there is a man in a neighboring ZIP code looking for a situation like that with a woman like me, but I am not completely sold right now. Moving on...

Six months have passed since I made the decision to leave where I was and come back "home". Now that half a year has gone by, I am not sure why I came back here. Family? Friends? Opportunity? Whatever the case, I am anxiously waiting for a realization to appear. People often peg me as being pessimistic to a degree, but I don't think they understand how much optimism I have going into things. Unfortunately, it doesn't take too much or too long to deplete the reserves.

I have been told that people can't just assume you are feeling a certain way, and that I have to be sure to clearly communicate what is going on in my heart and mind. So, here you go.

I do not like sitting around by myself as much as I do. Things are difficult right now, and I need you.